Here’s why

• Research from sources including The Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology and Psycho- Oncology confirms that family caregivers with good social support positively affect their patient’s health as well as their own.
• A Forrester Research survey conducted on behalf of CaringBridge found that 88 percent of family caregivers and patients say connecting with family and friends has a positive impact on the healing process.

There’s simply no doubt that taking care of caregivers is on equal footing with caring for patients. But it actually may be harder to do.

What does ‘help’ look like?

Whether jolted from normal life into a crisis role as a family caregiver, or gradually assuming more responsibility for someone with declining health, the job of a caregiver is to “keep going.” There’s little pause for reflection or distraction from the tasks at hand.

I remember once thinking that if I sat down, I would never get up. The feeling was very real at the time.

For family caregivers, “taking care of yourself,” mostly falls off the never-ending list of things to do.

It shouldn’t, but it does.

The wistful imagining of coffee with a friend or hunkering down for a TV binge-watch gets displaced by the reality of someone needing something.

A specialist’s appointment trumps a haircut, every time.

A domino effect

But the exhausting caregiver schedule can be considered in parallel to the desire of many loved ones who truly want to help. It’s just that family caregivers have little mind-share to articulate what help can look like.

In my case, when I called my brother — in tears — for help with Mom, he was horrified. I’d fallen into the caregiver pattern of just doing things myself, because it was easier than asking for help.

Only it wasn’t.

Once my brother saw I was suffering, there was a domino effect. He was much more aware, and next time I didn’t have to ask for help. He was there.

Are you kidding me?

While requesting help isn’t easy, tolerating such well intended — but unrealistic — directives as “Take a bubble bath,” “Get away for a day” or “Just say, ‘No.’” is harder.

I believe the only way to pop the thought bubble above a caregiver’s head that says, “Are you kidding me?” is to define “helpful.”

You have to start someplace; baby steps are OK.

One step could be “leaning in” to the tougher emotions of caregiving. It’s entirely acceptable, and healthy, to confess to someone in your inner circle, “I want to run away.”

Even if you don’t mean it — and on the day of my breakdown with my brother, I did — saying out loud that life is heavy may relieve a little pressure.

Accept that hug

A second step: I personally give you permission to occasionally ignore the phone and doorbell. The person dropping off a casserole can leave it on the porch. Having been on the giving and receiving end of many casseroles, I know this to be true.

And next time you receive one of those stiff-and- awkward hugs for which Minnesotans are famous, I strongly recommend hugging back.

Every caregiver, for one brief minute, should experience having care reflected back on them.

It is powerful.